Why Girls go for Mean Guys....

So as I was stalking people on Facebook, I came across a status I have seen many times... by many men. "What's the point in being the nice guy when the girls all go for the bad boy?" Well let's analyze it.

Before we go into the reasons of why girls like guys who are less than worthy, stop and take a minute to do a little self reflection.

1. Are you REALLY a good guy? Some people have a very high opinion of their own morality. The thing is, not everyone has the same set of ethical values. So while you might perceive yourself as a "good guy", others may not. Keep this in mind when you are asking yourself why your awesomeness is not enough. Also, ask yourself if the person you are calling "the douchebag" really is a bad guy. Is he honestly bad? Or does he just share different viewpoints? Do you even know this guy? Personally? Second hand knowledge does not tell you anything. We are all guilty of being the first to point out the flaws of others. So be careful about being too judgmental without knowing all of the facts. And for heaven's sake, do NOT base your opinion of someone based on someone else's opinions.

2. The truth hurts. And so does your face. Many people base their choices on physical appearance and attractiveness. Let's be honest with each other. If you are chasing a girl, chances are you think she is foxy. But are you? Do you take time with your appearance? Do you take care of yourself? Are you in the same league as the person you are chasing? You probably based your selection on appearance first and other qualities later. Should she respond any differently?

3. I'm a Loser Baby. Are you date-able? Do you have your own life? Do you work/go to school/volunteer? Do you have hobbies and interests that are interesting to her? Or are you a broke down dude living with mom and dad and playing on your computer all day?

Okay. There's more criteria in self reflection, but let's stop there. If you do not meet the criteria listed above, please understand: I think you are perfect just the way you are. Sometimes I just think it is helpful to give yourself an honest evaluation of your qualities. That being said, if you are on the same moral compass as the girl you like, attractive to her, and have a life all your own, let's proceed to some of the reasons that she is chasing Jo the Jerk instead of wonderful perfect you.

1. People date the people they think they deserve to have. The people we choose to partner with are a reflection of how we see ourselves. If we see ourselves as good people, we generally find good people to share ourselves with. If we think we are low down pieces of trash, well.... you get where this is going. Self image and self valuation are KEY to the partners we pick. With that being said, understand: You CANNOT make her realize how awesome she is. Only she can do that, and she must do it for herself. Every individual places their own value. If she thinks she's dirt, that is how she is going to expect to be treated. "What if I treat her like dirt?" you may ask. Well, she might be into you, until she realizes she deserves better, or, at the very least could be treated like dirt by someone a little bit higher up than you. Either way you will lose your chance at a meaningful relationship. And if your just looking to score and not looking for a meaningful relationship, refer to #1 in the self reflection column.

2. Mr. Two Face and the Scar He Leaves. Most girls dated the good guy. Well, they thought he was the good guy. Then in privacy a little while down the relationship road, he reared his ugly little head that he hid behind the nice guy mask and hurt her. Very badly. So now, when she sees a REAL nice guy, she assumes that's his mask and she isn't falling for that again. She may date guys who don't deserve her, but at least there are no surprises. Keep in mind, the only way to beat this monster is just to continue being the awesome guy that you are, and hope she snaps out of it.

3. Rough-housing. Some girls like the jerk for reasons that you may not be able to understand. Maybe being submissive is her thing. Maybe a guy being a jerk is what gets her rocks off? Unless you're sure that is not the case, approach with caution. And remember about the not being judgmental part here. Just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't make it wrong. The heart wants what the heart wants. And the body wants what the body wants.

4. Status Update. That jerk may come with perks you can't understand. Perhaps she feels that he will improve her social status. Maybe he has a condo in Maui. Maybe he will let her do that thing that no one else will let her do. Maybe his sister is her best friend and she feels like she has to be with him to be family with her bestie. Before you say, "OMG what a psycho!" or "Oh wow how shallow!" remember that we left our "I'm the judge" pants at home today.

5. What's my Age again? Some girls are not emotionally mature enough to be attracted to the nice guy. They like the excitement, the drama, and the attention the mean guy brings to them. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this. Honestly though, do you want to start a relationship with someone who is emotionally stunted right now? Which brings me to...

6. Beer Goggles. You think she is perfect. You think she could do so much better. Honestly, love and attraction can blind us to some really poor qualities people possess. Take the beer goggles off and re-evaluate. Is this girl really the girl you think she is?

7. Ms. Fix it. She wants a fixer upper. A project. She wants to be the woman who can make him change when no one else has been able to. She wants to be the one and only person who can turn the evil madman into the gentle giant. She thinks she can. Because she wants to. She wants to play out Beauty and the Beast in real life. Again, nothing you can do. You don't have the beastie reputation.

So these are just a few reasons why you might not be getting love from that honey bee. With that being said remember:

It Goes Both Ways. There may be a girl reading your status update and wanting to strangle you right now. She may be thinking, "Why does he keep going after psycho bitches when I am right here!" There are plenty of guys who exhibit the same kind of behaviors as their female peers.

There is Hope... Somewhere. Somewhere is a person who deserves you just as you are in your own awesomeness.

* Note from the author

All of the above writing is under the impression that we are not talking about someone who is in serious harm because of their significant other. If you, or someone you know, is in a truly abusive/dangerous relationship then you need to get involved with a counselor instead of reading my silly blog. Keep in mind all above commentary is based solely on my life experiences and I am not an expert, psychologist, spurned good guy, evil man, or single lady (anymore). Have a GREAT night! :)

Well, it has taken a lot of thinking, a lot of wondering whether this was appropriate to write about. I'm not sure it is or isn't. However it happened, and this is my opportunity to attempt acceptance. I am a very lucky person, I have a great spouse, a great kid, and a pretty cool job. Yet I am devastated. Because tomorrow will be an anniversary for me. As will every Monday, at least for now. In February I got the best news in the world. I was pregnant with my second child. At first, all i could do was panic. I didn't have room for another child in my pitifully tiny home. I didn't have money to afford all the expenses that a new child brings. This wasn't planned, this wasn't on the agenda, and I had no idea what to do. So I did what I always do and went on my regular routine. I did tell people about it, after a month or so. I couldn't keep it to myself. Along the way somewhere, I became excited and happy. I began planning. I began the process of purchasing a bigger home. I budgeted my finances. I began to save for the newest addition to my family. I began to plan my new life. I began to dream and hope and be happy. Even when I was giving my breakfast back to the toilet I was daydreaming about a new baby to love and hold. A new sibling for my little girl. Bringing a special new life into the world to love the way I love my daughter. I thought about the smell of baby powder, the softness of new baby hair. I thought about names, and clothes, and things we could all do as a family. I walked through baby departments and examined possible cribs, high chairs, and little baby socks. I thought about my new life, with a brand new extension to my family. Of course, I was still physically miserable. All the hormonal changes attacked my body like a plague of locusts, ripping from it any ounce of health. My acne flared up, my hair went crazy. I was not the ideal person to pose for the beauty of motherhood. I had to run, often, to make it to the bathroom before giving back my breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I had pain, weakness, and severe headaches. I had to stop all the medications I had been on for the health of my baby. I missed my Mt. Dew something fierce. I didn't do everything perfect. I didn't do everything right. And lord forgive me, I complained. I complained about my aches and pains, and I complained about the stress. I did not show the kind of excitement I should have. I did not thank the lord every day for my blessing. I carried on as I do, and went to my thirteen week check up with the doctor. I waited in the room, chatting with another expectant mother about our kids, our excitement, our weird body changes. I was happy. I went in and they took out a machine to check for my baby's heartbeat. They couldn't find it. I wasn't worried, it had happened before. They would do an ultrasound and find it then. Sure enough, they took me to the ultrasound room. They laid me down and started. Then they called the doctor in. "Is there a problem?" I asked. As the doctor told me that my baby's heart had stopped beating, that my baby had died around 12 weeks, I laid there and allowed the tears to well in my eyes. I let them fall and did not stop them. My baby was dead. And all I could do was hate myself. My doctor began speaking, saying it wasn't my fault it was nothing I did... I wanted to run away. I asked for a moment and I called the people I needed to. My husband cried "No!" He wailed in the phone. Not only was my baby dead, but I had devastated the person I loved. I was a monster. I cried as the doctor explained to me the necessary procedure I would undergo. I cried through booking the appointment. I have cried since then, at least once a day. I prayed it was a dream, I prayed it was a nightmare. I prayed that they were wrong and there would be an answer. But nothing changed. Nothing will. Two weeks ago Monday, the doctor performed what she called a D&C. Evidentally they do that to remove the "tissue" as she called it. They put me under, and I woke up with an empty uterus and an empty heart. It hurts. Their are no words to describe how I feel, truly. I feel guilty, for not doing better, for not being more grateful for what I had, for not being the kind of person who gets to keep their baby. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for the child that I do have. I feel guilt mounted on guilt. I constantly rack my brains for all the things I could have done differently, all the things I should have not said, all the things I should have, for all the different ways in which I could have been BETTER. For all the ways I should be BETTER. I feel guilt for being a failure. I feel guilty for still wanting a baby. I feel guilty for feeling the hurt, the pain, the loss, and even the guilt. I feel guilty for not being stronger. It eats at me, this guilt. And I feel loss. Oh I feel it. I may have never seen my baby, or held my baby in my arms, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. It doesn't change the hurt I see in my husband's eyes. It doesn't change the aching in my heart, the massive gnawing in the bottom of my gut. The stinging in my eyes from holding back the tears, day in and out. I am afraid. Afraid that this is just the beginning. Afraid to ever try again. Afraid I will have to live this nightmare again. I have heard the billions of platitudes of "it's all for the best,""it wasn't meant to be,""things happen for a reason." The last one I believe. Things happen for a reason. The reason was that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't grateful enough. I can only hope for a second chance. Hope that I can prove that I will do whatever it takes to be a better mother, a better person.

The Bathing Suit Blues

So it's time to get a bathing suit.
I put it off for three years, but I'm running out of excuses. My little girl really wants to go build a sandcastle. And she is my reason for almost every idiotic thing I do. Wish me luck because it's not going to be fun.

I used to LOVE shopping for bathing suits as a child and teenager. It was a lot of fun, running around trying on different looks, and being allowed to walk around in public with about the same coverage as underwear. I always thought I looked so cute, or sexy as I got older. Frilly little pink one pieces gave way to the hibiscus decorated tankini, and then upon graduation, the slinky little bikini and bottoms that only covered half my rear (which is the only bathing suit I have left, and it says CORONA and there is no way I'm going out in THAT.)

Now I worry about everything- what if people see to much of my rear?... my boobs are not going to fill THAT up, or if they are they will overflow THAT one.. good lord. What if people see my scars? What if I'm the beached whale they make fun of?? Because the good lord knows I've made fun of more fat people in bathing suits than probably anyone else, because when I was a teenager, all 98 lbs of me thought it was a riot! Especially the ones with the audacity to wear thong bikinis and bright yellow apparel. I'm afraid I'm going to get what I dished out. Now I feel guilty and self conscious.

Yet I still can't bring myself to wear the adult one pieces. That to me is worse than being audaciously exposed. Because I feel like, if I put one of those on, I will automatically turn forty, smoke menthols, and gripe about not seeing Days of Our Lives. Plus I really don't think they are very flattering for people with a tummy. After all, if you wear a purple one piece you are drawing attention to the whole package, while if you wear the bikini at least people are only checking out the top and bottom. The middle kind of disappears in the face of such colorful fabric.

What are you wearing this summer? I'm going to look this weekend and any suggestions are welcome...

So yeah...

Sorry it's been a while. I've been dealing with stupid drama, don't ask me about it because I don't want to talk about it.

So elections are over, some of my guys won, some lost, and some are still running. Well the two offices are for sheriff and senator. I'm voting Halter again, and for those of you who don't know, I'm voting for Ledbetter again. So there's my vote, I'm not ashamed.

On another note, I wanted to talk about something that has to deal with my recent drama, but it also has to deal with society.

Sexism.

I used to think sexism didn't exist anymore. That we lived in a country where I was equal to a boy no matter what happened in the past. Unfortunately I found out I was wrong as I got older.

I'm all for being a girl. I don't have a problem letting my kid play princess dress up. I'm not an uber-feminist. I'm not even one to get angry at stuff.

When I was a teenager, I applied for a job at a car dealership. I walked in, and before being asked what I was applying for, I was told that they "didn't have any jobs for girls right now." What they meant was that there were no secretary positions open. After all, a girl can't possibly work in the garage, wash cars, or be a salesman... at least that was their opinion. I went home, livid, and told my parents what had happened. They shrugged it off and told me to let it go, so I did.

Later in life I had a job where my boss told me to dress more provocatively. I just quit. I didn't fight it. I just quit.

Because what's the use?

Today I have to say is a world where men expect women to do everything but don't want to give them any credit for it.

My mom worked, cooked all the meals, and cleaned the house. She even mowed the lawns and tended to all of her children's needs on top of these things.

What did my dad do? He worked.

Not to say that my dad is lazy, but that's society today. The only thing we got from equal rights was more shit to deal with. Now we are expected to work full time and do all the household chores, cooking, and child rearing. It's bullshit.

On top of that, let's look at divorce. You get a divorce as a woman, and you want custody of your kids? You are probably going to get it, but here's the stuff they don't tell you- you fight and win full custody of your child. Well your psychotic ex still gets to see that kid, even if he's behind in child support. It's harder to get child support than it is for him to see his child. He gets the easy way out. He gets none of the responsibility and all of the benefits. What do you get? All the debt it costs to raise a child. All of the responsibility. All of the stuff that makes you a REAL parent. I hate the system. It's unfair and biased towards men. I hate just about everything right now quite honestly. This whole country is crap.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or maybe I'll move.

My life...

So last night I watched "Motherhood", it was a movie that only a few people went to see in theaters. Technically it was a box office failure. I watched it anyway- I like Uma Thurman and the previews didn't look bad. Well- it wasn't the best film, it wasn't the worst, but all in all I could've lived without ever watching it.

The movie is about a married mother of two, living in big city New York. It is set within the space of a day- she has to live her life, run errands, prepare for her daughter's six birthday, all while competing in a blog contest and running her own blog.

I don't live in New York, so I can't say much about whether or not the movie was realistic. I thought the main character was the most dysfunctional of the lot, spending way too much time complaining. The preview showed it as comical and sardonic. It really fell flat as far as comedy. The only funny part involved urine.

But it wasn't bad, and trust me I have seen some AWFUL films.

On a personal note I interviewed today for a job.
I got my degree in history and I am proud of it, but unfortunately there is not a lot of calling in my area of expertise. So I applied to work at a pharmacy. Part of me is sad about this- because I know it's not what I want to do in life. However, it is a job, could be a career, and there is no harm in learning a new trade. I might actually be good at it. If I train under the pharmacist, I could take a test and get licensed as a pharmacy technician. I hear they make pretty good money.

In a time of economic crisis, I am grateful to even have the ability to apply for a job. So many people are out of work that I have no right to complain about "not following my dreams." Reality tells me that this could be good stable work that will help me provide for my family. Dreams are for children.

Or are they? There's no real reason why I can't continue with what I want, if I only do it in my spare time... I think I used to be really good at writing, so maybe I could work on that. Not in the sense that I write here, but in a bigger sense- like a novel. That could be really neat. I've been working on one as a pet project, but it's kind of stalled out. Maybe being busy with a new job will help me get a fresh perspective.

On a side note, elections are coming up. I'm voting for Chad Jordan for Hot Spring County Judge and Halter for Senate. But who do I want for the other offices?? I don't know much about the candidates in that arena.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything. I don't know who to talk to about it, because I've found that most people are just as overwhelmed and confused as I am. The world is a scary place. I can never take my eyes of my child, or she might be jerked out of a shopping cart while I peruse the sauce shelf. I can't hire a babysitter I haven't known for more than five years. I can't trust in the kindness of strangers- if I have a flat tire, I just need to fix it myself or lock myself in the car. Because a stranded tiny lady is a good target.

But I remember being able to play in my parent's yard without supervision. I remember my mom leaving her car unlocked at the grocery store. I remember my dad picking up people with car trouble just to be nice.

What happened?

Happy Mother's Day

As a mother, I took my day today. I don't feel guilty for being late writing my blog and I don't feel guilty being lazy all day. I did think this was the perfect opportunity to have a post about moms. I am one of the luckiest women in the world. I have a husband who understands that all household duties are not my responsibility. He helps me with my child, he helps me with the housework. I wish all women were that lucky. Quite often men leave the responsibility of child rearing and housework to their wives solely, even if their wife has a full time job as well. It's not right, and it's not fair. But it is common. My mother's job was to cook, clean, and iron. She had to work a full time job and still find time to bathe, groom, and feed her children. She took the time for parent teacher conferences, ballet recitals, and award ceremonies. She found time to teach her girls how to read, write, and apply eyeliner on with perfection. My dad is a good dad, but I don't remember him preparing a meal for us or ironing clothes. He has never changed a diaper in his life. Being a mother is a full time job, and one that often comes with little appreciation and no compensation. This is not to say it's a bad job, because it is in fact on of the greatest jobs in the world. Some people think their mothers are not the best in the world- and some mothers may be awful. But as you take some time today, remember one thing- regardless of how good or bad of a mother you had, you would not be here without her. She gave you life. So every good experience you have, you owe to her. I do not say this from a high horse of experience- my own daughter is only three. But I say it as a kid who was raised by their mother. My mom made some mistakes. I disagree with her more than I agree with her, and she tells me quite often how weird I am. But every good thing I have in my life, big or small, I owe to her. Because she made the decision to stay pregnant for nine miserable months and have a cesarean section. So regardless of what she's done, I owe her my life. It seems like what I give her one day a year is nothing more than a pittance of what she's done for me.

Welfare- The Good, The Bad... The Drug Tested?!

My post tonight, although I made one today already, is about a touchy subject for some and a moot point for others- the subject is welfare.
I thought of it because I came across a facebook page " Drug Tests for Welfare." The site promotes people who are on welfare to be drug tested.

Here are my thoughts on the government welfare and government freebies.

I applied for food stamps in the past, and I received about $250.00 for groceries each month. I know a lot of people are against it, and it IS embarrasing, but I had Kendra to think of. At the time I was a single mom and a college student, struggling to make ends meet. So I swallowed my pride and went through the harrowing ordeal of obtaining aid. It was one of the most embarrasing situations in my life. Not only did I have to undergo the third degree and lose every ounce of self respect, but what's worse is I had to tell my employers and my landlord what I was doing because they were required to fill out forms in order for me to get aid.

Here's the thing that bothered me though- I went through checkpoint after checkpoint- filling out information, sending in documentation, interviewing, having people fill out all these forms. It was just Kendra and I in the house at this point and I made about fifty dollars a week. I couldn't work more due to classes, and as I explained to my case worker, I was going to school so that I would NEVER have to go to their office after graduation. I was going to school to provide a better and more stable life for me and my child. That same office gave a single, healthy, middle aged man a brief glance, a smidgen of paperwork and he received $1200.00 a month from the government. He had no kids, and no obligations. He wasn't laid off and he could have found a job. I see him at a local diner quite often. I sacrificed my self respect for $250.00 a month to feed my kid, and he gets a month's salary plus his electricity bill covered.

Why?

I still don't know. But I just am not sure that's how the system is supposed to work.

A lot of people told me it was my fault that I was on food stamps anyway. I shouldn't have had a child if I couldn't afford it. In the truth, they are right in my case, but not in others. I personally have no problem taking birth control, and I'm a pro-choice girl. Keeping Kendra was my decision. However, there are people out there who have an ethical belief that birth control and abortions are wrong. Many of these same people do not believe that a wife has a right to deny her husband his fun. I do not believe that those people should be punished because of their beliefs. But by the same token, if these people are not having a child because of their ethical beliefs, it is their responsibility. Like in my case. I made the choice and I stand by it. I do not regret the choice that I made, but I also don't expect my government to be responsible for it. At the same time, I don't mind taking a helping hand when it's offered. I don't ask for charity, but if it's handed to me, I'm not going to turn it down. Because when it comes down to the line, you are taking that away from your child, not yourself. I could live on ramen noodles, but my little girl couldn't. And while I would love to have another child, I know I am not financially able to right now. Now that I know the costs of having a child, I am taking a little responsibility and making the decision to wait. If an accident occurs, so be it, I will love the next child as much as the first, but I'm not going to TRY to have another baby.

But I digress... the facebook page I found promotes drug testing for welfare people. I support that. I don't think you should be allowed to have welfare if you are on illegal drugs, but by the same token I don't think you should get to keep your kids if you are on it either. Many companies drug test you before you are allowed to make the money, so the welfare folks should have to take a test before they are allowed to get the money. I am so sick and tired of seeing doped up moms dragging their unwashed child through the grocery store, and walking out with a case of beer, a pack of cigarettes, and a case of spagghetios. It's just not right.

One of the arguments against drug testing people who receive welfare is that the cost would outweigh the benefit. I disagree. If we can keep one parent from being on drugs so that they can feed their kid, then the benefit is definitely greater. And you know what?? They are going to need workers to do all that drug testing... do I hear the sound of new jobs echoing in the distance?!?! Sure it will be a low paying job, because you would work for the government, but that's better than the amount you are making today if you are unemployed like most of us.

Many people blame society today. I don't. I blame those women. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. They choose to put themselves before their kids. They choose to do drugs. Let them deal with the consequences. I miss being a party girl sometimes. It was fun. But I had a child and that's all there is too it. I can miss it all I want, but I'll never do it again. I have someone else to think about besides myself.