Sunday, March 8, 2015

Struggling Against the Id

They say that babies are born with no personality, and only have basic desires to prompt them to action- food, water, shelter, comfort. These basic desires have no root in any type of reality- whether a thing is possible or not is irrelevant. It is wanted, and therefore, action happens. As we grow, we are supposed to develop what Freud called, "ego"- the part of ones self that is organized and realistic. Eventually we should also develop the "super ego"- some part of our brain that moralizes us and teaches us to think critically. The ego and super ego are, in essence, a way to control our own impulses. I have started to wonder lately- as someone with ADHD- is my ego just underdeveloped? Did I miss some kind of critical stage in which I would have learned the necessary skills to cope with reality? I know it is silly, considering that all of this is really theory- and there's no way to prove it- but sometimes I wonder if I came out broken, or if it was something that happened along the way. The truth is that I know I make an abundant amount of mistakes. I know when I'm making a decision that is going to have potentially disastrous results. It doesn't stop me. I sometimes feel like I'm being swept away with my own actions and there's really nothing left to do but just see how it plays out. I get super excited and respond to something, and my brain immediately recognizes it as a terrible response, but my body already acted. My mom always said that my brain was too fast for my mouth, but I think it's probably the other way around. My brain is a little slower than the rest of me. I wonder sometimes if these responses are part of my own id. Am I subconsciously acting so that I can achieve fantastical desires that have no basis in reality? I know other people that struggle with problems similar to mine, but when we start to talk about them we tend to wander into all forms of other topics. I guess that's pretty typical too. You can't really have support with other people who are struggling, because you all end up going to the park. Some of my friends take medicine, and it seems to work for them, but I never really saw medication as an option for me. I am so sensitive to medicine that I'm more afraid of the side effects than my own screw ups. Then I have to think about the super ego though- I definitely developed an ethical and moral sensitivity. That's why I feel so guilty when I make a mistake. Can one have an underdeveloped ego and still have a super ego? Maybe it's all irrelevant now anyways. I mean, Freud did kind of end up way off the mark on a lot of his opinions. Well...There's my random musings for tonight. Look I put out two blog posts in the same year! Maybe I'm improving? Well I'm going to let the id win for a little while and snuggle in for some reading.

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