Struggling Against the Id

They say that babies are born with no personality, and only have basic desires to prompt them to action- food, water, shelter, comfort. These basic desires have no root in any type of reality- whether a thing is possible or not is irrelevant. It is wanted, and therefore, action happens. As we grow, we are supposed to develop what Freud called, "ego"- the part of ones self that is organized and realistic. Eventually we should also develop the "super ego"- some part of our brain that moralizes us and teaches us to think critically. The ego and super ego are, in essence, a way to control our own impulses. I have started to wonder lately- as someone with ADHD- is my ego just underdeveloped? Did I miss some kind of critical stage in which I would have learned the necessary skills to cope with reality? I know it is silly, considering that all of this is really theory- and there's no way to prove it- but sometimes I wonder if I came out broken, or if it was something that happened along the way. The truth is that I know I make an abundant amount of mistakes. I know when I'm making a decision that is going to have potentially disastrous results. It doesn't stop me. I sometimes feel like I'm being swept away with my own actions and there's really nothing left to do but just see how it plays out. I get super excited and respond to something, and my brain immediately recognizes it as a terrible response, but my body already acted. My mom always said that my brain was too fast for my mouth, but I think it's probably the other way around. My brain is a little slower than the rest of me. I wonder sometimes if these responses are part of my own id. Am I subconsciously acting so that I can achieve fantastical desires that have no basis in reality? I know other people that struggle with problems similar to mine, but when we start to talk about them we tend to wander into all forms of other topics. I guess that's pretty typical too. You can't really have support with other people who are struggling, because you all end up going to the park. Some of my friends take medicine, and it seems to work for them, but I never really saw medication as an option for me. I am so sensitive to medicine that I'm more afraid of the side effects than my own screw ups. Then I have to think about the super ego though- I definitely developed an ethical and moral sensitivity. That's why I feel so guilty when I make a mistake. Can one have an underdeveloped ego and still have a super ego? Maybe it's all irrelevant now anyways. I mean, Freud did kind of end up way off the mark on a lot of his opinions. Well...There's my random musings for tonight. Look I put out two blog posts in the same year! Maybe I'm improving? Well I'm going to let the id win for a little while and snuggle in for some reading.

I Just Want To Be Friends

So, I would just like you to go ahead and accept that I suck at being a dedicated writer. My life is busy. However, I'm pretty sure that all my writing is so self absorbed that no one was too concerned about it. ;) I've had a pretty bad case of the feels lately. It's been disconcerting and hard to deal with. I think I'm keeping it together for the public, but honestly, I'm getting pretty worn out from it. I'm really lucky that I have amazing friends. People I can complain to, people who will listen to my "me's", and people who will then tell me about their new game that they are so excited about because it's a remastered version of nostalgia. ^__^ It keeps a certain amount of normal in my life, which I desperately need.

I think part of my feels is loneliness. I'm surrounded by a variety of people all day, and I don't feel connected to any of them. I have my friends that I talk to, but I have to miss them because they are all so very far away. I miss having someone to go do stuff with. I especially miss my female friends. I've tried making new friends but everyone thinks I'm hitting on them. It's so frustrating. Like, "hey do you want to hang out tonight?" constantly gets a response of "Oh, sorry, I'm not gay."... Damn it.

I'm scared to try to make friends with people I work with, as I'm afraid they will think I'm hitting on them as well and then that's going to go 80 kinds of awkward and possibly cost me my job. I was even desperate enough to try to make friends with my sister. She tolerated it, because she's a good sister, but we both knew that wasn't going to go that well. I just don't know anything about hunting, fishing, football, or Desperate Housewives. At least she knew I wasn't hitting on her. I have read umpteen articles about making friends, but so far none of those tactics have panned out. It doesn't help that as a mother, student, and full time worker, I have a limited amount of time and attention to offer. With that being said, I'm grateful I'm not completely alone. I seriously look forward to graduating with my MBA in December so I can hole up in the game room for a week and do nothing but play games with my friends online. That will be uber fun.

In the meantime, this short post will serve to satiate my guilt at not writing in over a year. If anyone else has ever struggled with sounding like they are hitting on people whilst trying to make friends, I encourage your response so that I can feel like I'm not alone in this. :)